The Expendables 2

“My shoe is bigger than this car!” Arnold Schwarzenegger is the Ed Wood of Hollywood actors. Hardly any film this year will bring me more delight and a bigger testosterone rush than The Expendables 2, an inane B-movie with cheap digital effects and great catchphrases and genre references. And the fact that the best actor playing the movie’s best character is Jean-Claude Van Damme will go down in history. (11/04/2012)

I have mixed feelings. On one hand, things that I always wanted to see, on the other exaggerated prancing about for female fans and zero story. Arnold’s lines are way off. Norris tells jokes about himself and the whole thing is very forced, and not in a good way. The greatest positive element here is Van Damme who enjoys being evil. Anytime he walks into shot, it’s worth it. In the finale, Sly makes the most of how pissed he was that he didn’t land a role in part one. :-) West’s directing is visually high standard, but in places the action is confusing and very little of it is interesting. Jet Li is gone in an instant, luckily we see more of Dolph. I’m giving this four stars, but purely out of blind fandom. Otherwise, someone deserves a slap for the credits. (09/13/2012)

After what felt like an eternity of waiting, I finally made it to the theater—and it was absolutely worth it. The Expendables 2 is one of those rare action movies that comes around once in a lifetime... well, now twice, but this time with an even more stacked cast. For any fan of old-school action films, seeing this lineup is pure magic. There are no words to capture the excitement. I haven’t been this hyped for a movie in ages, and it didn’t disappoint. Growing up, I spent Saturday nights glued to action films on TV, which gave me a lifelong love for Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Bruce Willis, and yes, even Chuck Norris! Later on, I became a fan of Stallone, Lundgren, Statham, and Jet Li. Watching all of them together in one film was nothing short of a dream come true. Each character oozes charm, the one-liners are non-stop, and seeing Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger poke fun at themselves was a highlight. The action is top-notch, and the story? Simple, but perfectly fitting for this kind of film. What more could an action fan ask for? Honestly, if you grew up loving these legends, the plot is the last thing you care about. It’s all about the nostalgia, the personalities, and the sheer fun of it all. Some people might not get that (looking at you, critics who think every film needs a deep story), but for me, this was a huge experience. One of my childhood dreams came true, and that counts for a lot. Oh, and Jean-Claude Van Damme absolutely crushed it as the villain. His performance was awesome, and that final fight? Instant classic. (09/19/2012)

Objectively, with a runtime of under two hours, you just can't give all the characters the space they undoubtedly deserve. Beyond that, it’s a pure action spectacle that works exactly as I wanted it to because it doesn’t underestimate fan intelligence - this is the only way to get the action going, which is secondary because the primary thing is to ride the wave of catchphrases that beat into the mummified icons of most of the people involved. (09/12/2012)

A bad joke. I didn’t expect to like Expendables II very much, I’m not the target audience of the genre of soulless, old-fashioned action films after all, but that I wouldn’t like it even as a well made, undemanding pop-corn flick, was a surprise, especially after the very positive responses. The biggest problem is in the action. To begin with, there’s very little of it, and it’s not even good. Many people praise the fact that this time the camera is not epileptic and the editing is not like a video clip, but instead of that we have long clear shots, when the whole lot is actually not clear at all. West works clumsily with the space, it’s not clear who is escaping whence and whither, who is following whom and where they are shooting at… All the action (with the exception of the opening scene, where this doesn’t fully apply) is basically a tiring montage of someone running and shooting, without any dynamics that would pull the viewer into the plot. And the script, if we can call it that, it’s awful. I know that only an idiot could expect sophistication from a film like this, but this is already too much! The characters move without any concept somewhere in the huge expanses of the former Soviet Union, they amusingly run into each other, and when the heroes are in deep trouble, SOMEONE comes, saves everyone, and then leaves. And they frame it with crap like “Jeez, thanks for stopping by”. Like, what the fuck? There are only about six good jokes and one-liners, and half of them are directed at Lundgren. Expendables II is a product with a short shelf-life (this certainly won’t be a cult movie) that gets good reviews from the fanboys thanks to the same model that makes teenage girls wet with Twilight and Potter-fans love the last Potter films – they can watch their favourite stars doing something on the screen, regardless of what, how and why it’s done. But that’s not enough to make a good film, quite the opposite, actually. Two stars, and I don’t even know what for, maybe for the professional look and the nice dose of light-heartedness here and there. Otherwise, crap. (09/07/2012)